Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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