So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.