umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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