Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We had to coat check the pizza.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
