When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
