Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
