just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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