I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
