I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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