the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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