DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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