why didn't you poke me back
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
