I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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