maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
