Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
