I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
