i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
