You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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