My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
