I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
