there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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