There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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