If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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