Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
