after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup