She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I want to be your penis for a week.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
