I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
