I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
