How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
