I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
