i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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