I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
