How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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