I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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