meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
