I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
