Just cropdusted the office
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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