She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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