do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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