Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
