this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
