We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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