is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
