I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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