Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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