I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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