Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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