if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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