sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
