she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I need to calm my uterus...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
