I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
