I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
