he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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