i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
