dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
