my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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