This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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