i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
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I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
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Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Drunk is not a location!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
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