I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
