I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
