Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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