I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
