Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
