I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
