He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
