Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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