So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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