you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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