And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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